Willow Dinner

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One Response to Willow Dinner

  1. Kim H says:

    Starting off with the lyrics to a parody song seems very odd; especially the length of the lyrics. You could just tell the reader what song she (or is it a he? I was really confused there) is listening to, and explain if it has any actual significance.

    I feel like nothing really happened – I mean, obviously you're foreshadowing something with the dog and the guy, but it's way too early for the main twist to be thrown in.

    Also – weird spellings and odd names make your characters seem like Mary Sues. Stick with normal names!

    If Alec is a guy – you should really specify, because as the reader, I'm at a loss. Please give some detail there. If Alec is a girl – well…that's a boy's name, it's just too confusing. Specify! :)

    You have a few typos and mispellings, along with run-on sentences. An example would be:
    "Oh my god I am so sorry!" A guy with hair exactly like mine, hanging low to obscure his eyes slightly, but with the color's reversed, so instead of black with blond streaks, it was blond with black streaks.

    Read that sentence outloud a few times – does it still sound right? You didn't specify that "the guy" was actually talking there.

    You could try something along these lines:
    "Oh my God, I am so sorry!" A guy yelled as he ran towards me and the dog. He had hair that was exactly like mine, but reversed; instead of black with blond streaks like mine, his was blond with black streaks. What I could only assume was the dog's owner, also let his hair hang low into his eyes, so I could barely make out their bright emerald green color.

    Just a suggestion – play around with it.

    My suggestion would be to elaborate, take your time and let your writing flow. After you have done this, read your story out loud a few times, it'll really help you to find the mistakes in your writing and correct them.

    Keep writing and good luck!